It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
