Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
