I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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