Kiss
Puke
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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