I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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