I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
