I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
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because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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