please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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