Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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