you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You were trust falling into bushes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize