Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
