I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
