I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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