YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
