I puked a lego.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
