I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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