I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
