I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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