Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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