k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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