I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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