I just saw a hot homeless man
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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