we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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