I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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