I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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