Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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