I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
