nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
We are two peas in an std pod
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza