I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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