well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.