I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
