So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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