im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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