so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
