Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
