Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
