she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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