She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
