So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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