I want you more than these girls want KFC
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
