So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
