Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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