after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
