capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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