I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
