well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
