he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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