I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
