Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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