I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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