Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
