...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
