I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
